Searching for the Truth in the King James Bible;
Finding it, and passing it on to you.

EDITOR:
Steve Van Nattan

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Only one, since his / her hands are in the air anyway.

Or... Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to bind the spirit of darkness.

And... Call the electrician to come lower the fixture since none of them can get up off of the floor.

At Brownsville... Last Sunday the wife of a worship leader gave birth to a spirit light bulb down front on the carpet while the crowd yelled, "Push, Push.

NONE! That's the sophomore class!

None.

God has predestined when the light will be on.

Or...Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the five point instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed:

1. T- Turn the light switch off.
2. U- Unscrew the bulb.
3.  L- Limit the number of helpers.
4.  I- Insist on minimum excitement.
5.  P- Put the new bulb in the basement and go out for highballs.

In any case, we need a PhD to help us be sure we understand the instructions.

Change???  Blasphemy!

No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

One.  

But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.  

Ask for offer number 374, and we will send you an autographed photo of our new light bulb.  Place your checkbook on the photo every night, and in the morning, your checking account will be doubled.  

Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Or...  If they are from the IFCA, they discussed changing light bulbs at the January business meeting, and the motion was tabled indefinitely.

At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists.

Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might sit in darkness.

None. They always use candles.

Or... The acolyte lost the matches.

The following Papal Bull was issued:

"God has shown me that the true and genuine bulb is so well seen in me, your Holy Father, that you can make of me nothing else than the true light bulb to all men. Thus, the old bulb can be ignored as you concentrate on me, the light of the world to you. I am indeed your ALTER LIGHT BULB."

Paraphrased from Pope Boniface VIII

One. But "soon all those around can warm up to its glowing."

Ten:

One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

This statement was issued:

"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.   However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted-- all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Answer:  Five.  One to stand on the altar and hold the bulb while the other four turn the altar.

One.  He holds the bulb in the socket, and the world revolves around him.

Five.

One to take an offering for the building and supplies budget.
One to take an offering for the janitorial staff salaries.
One to take an offering for "send the light" ministries.
One to "church" the guy who didn't show up to help change the light bulb.
One to find a deacon and ask him to change the bulb.

Eight.

One to call a board meeting so that 18 reports on light bulb changing can be issued.
One to speak at the plenary session of the IFMA world congress on Light Changing.
One to do a survey of the field and the potential for changing light bulbs.
One to challenge the light bulb changers to be always ready to change light bulbs.
One to call an ecumenical council in Bangkok to lay out guidelines for changing lights bulbs "into the year 2030 and beyond."
One to present the need for light bulbs to the various Foundations which fund missions projects.
One to ask the visiting plumber, who came to fix the toilet, if he would change the light bulb after he fixes the toilet.
One to go on furlough.

Ten:

One to set up a research project in light bulb potentials now as compared with the potentials previously when the former bulb was still working.
One to seek grants and funding from HUD for the research.
One to write a book on the subject of "Light Bulbs and Change" for the Library of Congress.
One to appear before the Senate Committee investigating fraud in light bulb production. The public needs to know who is making these bulbs which burn out.
One to assign a lab assistant to change the bulb while he, the PhD, teaches "Light Bulb Changing 401" at MIT.
One to file reports with the Public Utilities Commission on the new light bulb's performance.
One to get fired for failing to install a black light bulb under affirmative action guidelines.
One to be called to chair the Presidents Council on Light Bulb Use and Management In The 21st Century In The Context Of Environmental Dark Side Potentials-- LBUM21ITCITCOEDSP
One to serve on the Commission to Investigate Vladimir Putin's Secret Exploding Light Bulbs.
One to make the coffee.

Eleven:

One to clear the area of debris.
One to procure a light bulb.
One to stock and inventory light bulbs.
One to set up the ladder.
One safety inspector to read all the labels on the ladder, the instructions on the light bulb package, and the OSHA regulations on Light Bulb Changing and explain this to the other electricians in a 3 week training class.
One to be shop steward and make sure each electrician does only his job and file grievances with management when electricians are asked to work too many hours changing the light bulb.
One to hold the shovel.
One to run for sandwiches.
One to sit on the negotiating and bargaining group with management to seek higher pay and ladders, as well as hazard pay for working over 2 feet high.
One to hide in the janitor's closet and blow pot.
One to make sure all eleven job slots are taken so management will not think fewer men could do this job.

Five:

One to lecture on the esoteric paradigm shifts during eclipses of light bulbs.
One to channel Seth on the subject of Light Bulbs.
One to teach Light Bulb Potentials at Esalen.
One to chant the light bulb mantra at the ashram.
One to cancel the light bulb changing event since light would illuminate the subject and destroy the illusion.

Answer:  No matter how many you have, none will change the bulb since they can all procrastinate doing it until their next reincarnation.

Ninety Seven:

One to change the light bulb.
One to sell "100% for Hyles" buttons to everyone present.
One to teach the class called "Restoring Fallen Preachers" when the guy changing the bulb falls off the ladder.
94 to stand around in the corners of the foyer asking each other, "How many Sunday School busses do you have going out brother?"

Seven:

One to scream and cheer the others on.
One to confess the sins of shoddy light bulb workmanship by his ancestors.
One to threaten any pastors who didn't show up at the bulb changing rally.
One to sell T-Shirts to the rest.
One to change the bulb.
One to say "Huh?" when the light goes out-- he forgot to bring his little candle to light.
One to invite Farrakhan to help change the bulb, then deny to the press that he ever did it-- "See our doctrinal statement."

Fourteen:

One to buy a US made light bulb in San Francisco and take it to China.
One to dismantle the light bulb and make an exact copy of it.
One to take the new Chinese bulb back to the USA.
One to trade it with Barak Obama for a better trade agreement.
One to get caught in the White House slipping a sample light bulb to Joe Biden.
One to take the Chinese light bulb back to china.
One to sell the Chinese light bulb to a noodle factory in Shanghai.
One to return to the USA and convince CBS and CNN that the Chinese light bulb is really a symbol of international co-operation and good will.
One to address the United Nations General Assembly and accuse the USA of making an inferior light bulb in the first place, thus causing the Shanghai noodle factory to experience a light bulb failure and go bankrupt.
One to accept the apology of the US State Department for the failure of the noodle factory.
One to go to Washington and accept a check for $400,000,000 for a new noodle factory in Shanghai.
One to slip Hillary Clinton a cut of $15,000 for the Democratic Party Campaign fund.
One to buy four ranches in Texas with the rest of the $400,000,000.
One lonely capitalist Chinaman in Hunan who quietly herded his ducks during this whole debacle and is now able to light his house with Japanese light bulbs.

Sorry, I cannot tell you--  It's a secret known only to the 33rd degree.

"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete
"Witches' Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere!
Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin  who..."

Five.

The old man to change the bulb, and his four wives to tell him how to do it.

Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

"Heresy, blasphemy," cries Joseph Yonder. Well, unless you have a light bulb on the tractor, and only if it is run by an air powered generator of course.

None. The lights are on but no one's home.

One. One ordained lady light bulb changer to change the light bulb, while 15 men sit on the front row with a dumb grin on their faces.

Four:
One to change the light bulb.
One to identify the Federal Conspiracy which burned the light out by a UFO stealth attack from Groom lake.
One to give a lie detector test to the bulb changer to make sure he is not a Federal Agent.
One to bring the Bud and Jack Daniels.
One to... Uh Oh! I KNEW there was a Fed in here!