Highly Suspect Scoundrels- Titles given to people which are absurd

The world today loves to exalt men and pass them off as great men, when in fact, they are nobodies.

So, let us review some of these fraudulent gods of the gullible world. This study is meant to make you a more critical thinker when you see any of these titles used.

Romans 12:3 For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

The following men all think of themselves more highly than they, or we, ought to think of them. Teach your kids to have a healthy spirit of skepticism about men who are presented to them as special.

Celebrated Author- Where and when was the celebration? Do we have an annual holiday to celebrate this author? The truth is, this author is only "Celebrated" by his publisher and Barnes and Noble. Most of his books drift ever so slowly into the half price books section at Goodwill Industries. Or, you can buy them at yard sales for a dime. Go ahead, buy the thing..... they make great door stops.

Famous Writer- Says who? Fame is one of the most highly suspect objectives which men pursue. Wanting to be famous calls for self-exaltation and narcissism in order to be knighted as Sir Famous by the blessed idiots who introduce him. The "Famous Writer" manages to buy enough of his own books to get on a "best seller" list somewhere, and he thrives on signing his book for people. Then, after he is "Famous," he loses his fame..... it happens all the time. And then, he finds a cottage on a cul de sac in the suburbs and sits in the corner wishing for the former days. Generally speaking, a "Famous Writer" ain't.

I tuned a piano for an aging couple in Green Valley, Arizona. He was a former Opera singer, and she had been a soap opera queen. They both told me who they were, and they were horrified that I had never heard of them. They got into a towering funk and sat there with a grumpy expression through the whole tuning. I felt like I had insulted the King of Siam or the Queen of England.

Learned Authority- What did this devil learn, and where did he learn it? There are a large number of Fundamentalist and Pentecostal pastors in America who got their "learning" from correspondence course schools. One such "college" is in the basement of the home of a loser in Colorado. "Learned Authorities" are often found on panel discussions and forums where alleged "Experts" are giving their opinions. These are people who do not know any more than you about the subject, but they got behind the mic, and they make the best of it. They use body posture and strings of logic which are persuasive, and they walk away with their head high and hitching up their trousers. What a hoot.

Reliable Informant- Similar to "a Trusted Source" or an "Impeccable Source". The informant is "Reliable" because the reporter or talking head knows that the "Informant" is the village goon and a drunk, so they do not name him. Or the "Informant" was just indicted for fraud by the Justice Department, and he plea bargained and finked on the real criminal. That is what is meant by "Informant."

Anonymous Source- Used heavily on CNN and the Washington Post. The Source is "Anonymous" because he is a nobody, or in the case of CNN, there is no source at all, and the story is 100% Fake News. I use "Anonymous" sources sometimes, but I make it clear to the reader that I do not expect them to believe me. When a writer or media person refers to an "Anonymous Source," they are really expecting you to totally trust their judgment. These are people who give us Fake News regularly. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart," and lean not to anonymous sources. Behind every conspiracy theory is an "Anonymous Source."

Decorated Hero- This is a soldier who was opening a can of beans in Vietnam, and he cut his finger and had to have stitches in it. I am not making this up. I have known of several soldiers who got stuck on stupid one day and got themselves hurt doing some mundane task. Some commanders love to sponsor such soldiers for a Purple Heart to lift their morale. They do not do any harm with this trick, but to exalt them as heroes is a bit much.

Well Received- That means the guy was let in the back door of the meeting hall and allowed to sit on the platform with the "Honored Guests." He really is received like anyone else. "You can sit here, sir. We ran out of chairs with backs on them. Sorry about having to sit on a kitchen stool."

Distinguished Guest- This is the guest the host almost did not get to RSVP and come to the dinner party. He is really way above you and your host in the order of the peck, but you are now very lucky he is coming because you have a bragging point for later. "I was talking with Dr. Post Mortem last Saturday and blah, blah, blah." Whatever you do, do not ask the doctor some stupid question he does not know about in front of your host. She will be mad about that for years. What would you call a very ordinary guest who is really a no count peasant..... an extinguished guest?

Christian Statesman- He cannot be Pope because he is a Protestant, so he is given special titles that exalt him above other peon pastors and laity. When we hear the term used, we are supposed to fall in awe at the wonder of his office as a statesman. The man will have learned how to enter the room as a statesman, mincing as he goes like Henry Kissinger. He will turn his whole torso like Clark Gable when he turns his head. And, he will have learned how to be very gracious to you while, at the same time, gently demanding to be treated very well. "And, where shall I be served tea?" He will dip his head to people who look his way when walking through a restaurant. And, he will expect to be driven here and there instead of driving his own car. The more he does these things, the more famous he gets. His whole life is about increasing momentum. Billy Graham was one of the most grievous pests in Christendom because he played this game. He loaded his platform with pagan bishops and shady political leaders in order to exalt his own prestige. Ordinary preachers were brushed aside as refuse.

There is a variation of the "Christian Statesman." It is the "Missionary Statesman." This one, like the first, implies that this missionary is far more productive and useful to Jesus Christ than those ordinary missionaries who come to your church on furlough. "Missionary Statesmen" spend one or two terms on the missionfield, and then they are pulled back to the "Home Office" where they shine like stars and make tours of mega churches and make the mission board famous. They are much too useful being "Statesmen" than to be sitting in some filthy village in Irian Jaya teaching a group of scruffy kids to sing Jesus Loves Me. This one I hate intensely because I grew up seeing it in Africa, and, I had to watch these pompous slugs treat my Dad with condescending deference. My Dad, to his credit, resisted the plan, and he was considered "brittle," whatever that means.

Highly Thought of Authority- Similar to "Trusted Authority". This is a man or woman who is consulted regularly by the media to make comments on political issues and officials. He is a nobody in real life, but he has a very good job being an "Authority." We must never question him because there are other people who think highly of him. How could such a trust worthy man tell a lie or simply be stuck on stupid?

Well Recognized Authority- This is the guy whom everyone knows, but nobody is impressed with him. He is allowed to attend the party, and most weddings and funerals, but he is not "Sought After," another moniker you need to watch out for. Some authorities in Washington DC, these days, are being "sought after" by the FBI.

Unqualified Success- This means he is highly suspect. The only safe way to deal with such a "Success" is with many qualifications. You may find he has gone into bankruptcy several times, he has divorced his first two wives and then married a porn queen, and he haunts thousands of his adversaries on Twitter with insults. If YOU want to be a success, stay away from the "Unqualified Success."

Public Servant- This means nothing but that the guy is a bureaucrat and comes to the counter with a dull look on his face. He often asks you to come back later when they open the safe and get the forms out which you need. This is the guy at the Bisbee, Arizona car registration office who told my Dad, "You're wife was in here yesterday, she has black hair. What am I saying? What am I saying?" My Mom was a silver blond.

Richly Blessed- This title is there to explain why the guest speaker has to have a Lincoln Navigator. He can't help it if he is rolling in cash..... God did it to him. "Abundantly Endowed" used to be an alternate usage, but this has come to be used to describe the profile of aging matrons, so you need to avoid it at all costs. To be "Richly Blessed" is highly prized by the Dutch Reformed people in Western Michigan. They give it a Calvinist twist, like this. If God has elected you to be rich and powerful, show it off so the ungodly peasants will see you and be motivated to become Christians. This is why Reformed Church parking lots have the highest percentage of Lincolns and BMWs of all the denominations. I have yet to meet a sinner who confessed the Faith because Reinder Vander Horst had a Rolls Royce. But, the apologetic sure covers a lot of avarice and greed, right?

Hezekiah 2:7 "Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, and lean not to a cheap Toyota." Belgic Confession

Highly Informed- Trust me, he ain't. He is well informed in some very limited area of life, but as to general knowledge, he is not "Highly Knowledgeable." Ask him where Nairobi is. He won't know. Ask him who sponsored Christopher Columbus to sail to America. Duh? This dude is an expert on certain things. He can fill a plate far more abundantly than anyone else at a church potluck, and he can call in a huge offering by claiming his orphanage in India is in serious financial trouble. But, as to general knowledge, he don't know beans from bacon, honey child.

There was a Bible teacher from England named Ian Thomas. He was a "Popular Conference Speaker" in England until he ran out of sermons. He had five sermons and no more. You could only book him for a week. When he wore England out and everyone had heard his five sermons, he fled to the USA and set up house there. He then went to Bible conferences and Bible colleges preaching his five sermons and selling his books, which were his five sermons in print. This man was considered to be "Highly Informed," but he weren't no such thang, Billy Bob. When he came to BIOLA College where I was attending, I detected a heretical use of biblical typology in his sermon. I went to one of my instructors and told her what I thought of him. She grabbed me and hustled me to the platform where he was being schmoozed by a bunch of students. The instructor told me, "You go right up there and tell him what you think of his teaching," which I did. He was banal and kind to me, probably because he already knew he was a dead bore. He did have one special gift. He could wave his arms so well that he fairly levitated while bellowing his main points.

Well Read Source- He got through High School reading Marvel Comics and Mad magazine, and he got through university reading the numbers on the billiard balls. He now reads the "like"s and "Comments" on his Smart Phone. This boy has an office with thousands of books on the shelves, and he loves to have his photo taken sitting in front of his books. Most of his books he got at garage sales and dumpster diving. If you ask him if he has read all of his books, he will answer, "Some of them twice."

Beloved Bishop- He is beloved because the person promoting him needs to cover up the Bishop's love of little boys. Go around to the convent, or the church office, and see if they think he is "Beloved." There is the "Beloved" Black Bishop of course. He is the one who told the ladies to come without wearing underwear next Sunday. I am not making this up. And, the ladies did as he commanded and gave him quite a show the next Sunday. Beware of loving the "Beloved" Bishop, ladies. You could end up on ADC.

Noted Conference Speaker- "Noted" is one of those words which means absolutely nothing. Someone noticed him. That is all it means. You may become just as noted as this dude. All you have to do is cut off another driver on the Freeway. You will be highly "Noted" in special English at once. The last driver who "Noted" me on the highway must have been from Florida..... he was Cuban and said something about "Sunny Beaches."

Prophecy Expert- He wanders the nation speaking on Bible prophecy, and your pastor wants to entice you to come to the meetings all week long when the "Expert" preaches. He has a thirty foot banner he tacks to the front of the auditorium, and it will show you everything that is going to happen from the Garden of Eden to eternity. The guy must be right..... just look at his banner. Why is he so exalted by your pastor? The pastor promised the "Expert" a $3000 gratuity, and he needs you there for the offering time. Please bring your Antichrist check book and your ILLUMINATI dumb struck gullibility.

Keynote Speaker- This is the guy who speaks at the plenary session, and no one knows what that is. "Plenary" means absolute or unqualified in Latin. Thus, the "Keynote Speaker" will be absolutely boring as snot. A keynote speaker is the one whom people really come to hear. All the other speakers are basically nobodies, but they are there to fill the schedule. Frankly, I like those nobodies a lot better than the "Keynote Speaker" anyway..... they are not all full of themselves and do not insist on being called "Doctor." There is a well known Fundamental Baptist evangelist who brazenly demands to be called "Doctor." He is also a Bible mutilator.

Anointed Servant of God- He is usually a Pentecostal faith healer. He is "Anointed" because the Holy Ghost is just surging forth while he is preaching, so you dare not notice that the guy he healed of arthritis is back limping as he leaves after the service. This "anointed" speaker also comes with a huge belly that prevents him from seeing his feet. He gets a lot of anointing from Big Macs and Krispy Kreem donuts. He can polish off a casserole in three minutes flat with a shandalamai shundae between each bite.

Powerful Evangelist- This means the dude bellows and spews. If you sit on the front row, bring a towel. And, do not sit on the end of a pew down the center aisle. The man will walk all around the room roaring and raging, and he loves to bend over and yell in the face of some terror stricken member sitting on the aisle. He roams all over the platform being "Powerful," and he even roars when he is talking to people in the foyer. He also roars at his wife and kids. He simply loves to hear his horn blow.

Inspirational Speaker- Similar to a "Gifted Bible Teacher". This means he will inspire you, but if he does not inspire you, it is because you are rebellious and refuse to be inspired. You know this because when he was introduced, the man told you he would inspire you. If the Speaker is referred to as "Gifted," that means this person has special gifts from God, and you must never question his teaching, even if it is heretical.

A Faithful Christian and Patriot- I can explain this four flusher with a quote from Samuel Johnson:
"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."

Doctor Fizwater Von Weizenheimer- You are in trouble right off if he has a German name. Such men are fugitives from Germany where they are well known as heretics. Do check to see where he got his doctorate. Was it from Oxford, or from Bob Jones University? The Oxford boy might have something useful to offer, that is, if you keep a laptop on hand to Google the big words, like antidisestablishmentarianism and hermeneutics (Herman who?). But, the Bob Jones doctor will be full of blather and bluster which is designed to drive you to him as his personal disciple. This will result in your buying all of his books, and he will become a rather rich doctor, and you will become a rather poor fool.

Unmitigated Idiot- This is the guy who is highly impressed with all of the above. He buys their books, hits their seminars every summer, has the big red book on Basic Youth Conflicts on the coffee table, and has all their sermons memorized. THIS, my friend, you do not want to be. The way to avoid being seduced by these men is to keep company with ordinary people. The back story of every man is almost always totally fascinating. The key is to SHUT UP, and listen and ask questions. You will learn a lot.

I got email from a very erudite and intellectual fellow, trapped in some effete snob Seminary, who hated one of my articles on this journal. He laid me low and really put me in my place. He then told me, "Sir, you are an unmedicated idiot." I wrote back, "You are right about me being an idiot, and you have no idea how sad that makes me. But, I must take umbrage with the "unmedicated" part. I do, in fact, take my blood pressure meds every day faithfully, and I take my herbs to help me go to sleep. But, sir, I have somewhat against thee. I believe you need to pay attention better when you use your spell checker." Predictably, I did not hear back from him. But, you know who you are.

The above are real people whom I have met or been burdened with. I do not apologize if you are in the list. But, I have only used a couple of names of real people so that you, the guilty, will not be tormented beyond measure.

See, I CAN be a nice guy..... a "Gracious Inspiration." Ha, ha..... I beat you to that one. See if you can catch up.

Proverbs 27:2 Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips.

If you conclude you just got a load of balogna, that is because I am a "Trusted Source" regarding Lebanon balogna, as the photo verifes. Lebanon, Pennsylvania, that is.

Sample Expediter- After graduating from college, I fell in with a group of godly young men my age. One of them had contacts in Brown Paper Company in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and he helped me get an interview, and I was hired.

The job I was given was to be director of the sample area where four kinds of paper samples were to be kept. The company was around 70 years old, and they had never had a sample area, so I got to invent it for the first time. There were samples of each production run, samples to use later as color standards, samples to go with the truck in each shipment of paper, and sales samples which salesmen used to sell paper. I collected these samples all around five factories in the city of Kalamazoo with the help of union workers.

My boss was the director of the Quality Control Department. He wanted to give me a title that would intimidate labor union men so that they would help me get any samples I needed. But, he did not want my title to overshadow him in any way. Poor fellow...... it is a great burden to keep your place in the order of the peck.

So, he finally came up with "Sample Expediter." He had labored over this title for days, and I felt sorry for him. How petty to let something like that ruin your day. I didn't care. That title suited me just fine. Most labor union men did not know what an Expediter was, so it was definitely intimidating, and I got just about anything I wanted out of them. I was technically management, but my job was so far down the pyramid of power that I had less rank than the factory cat.

So, I want you to show a little consideration when you come to this journal. I am a professional Expediter, folks. If you want some tutoring in how to Expedite, just send email, and I will give you some help. The first step is, get yourself an old union man who has been at the company for over 30 years. If you can get along good with that guy, he will get you anything you need without filling out orders in triplicate.

The reason for most of the following job titles is that idiot managers are terrified to be politically incorrect. So, they come up with these bizarre titles.

SEND MAIL Please send me the ones I missed, and I will add them in with credits.

HIGHLY SUSPECT SCOUNDRELS