By Dr. Slobermortus
Verbosus PhD (Piled Higher and Deeper)
'Twas the nocturnal segment
of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout
the place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors
of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery
was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus,
pursuant to the anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title
of St. Nicholas.
The
prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations
of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated
fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner
and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous
advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the arenaceous exterior portion of
the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled
to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining
the precise source thereof.
Hastening
to the casement, I forthwith open the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting
thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface
of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar
meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold
a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of
the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble
that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate
motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically
through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective
cognomen --" now Dasher, now Dancer, .. " et al - guiding them to the uppermost
exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish
the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium
from the erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished
visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way
of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
residue from the oxidation of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated largely
to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.
His
orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal
indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his
malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the
subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus apium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub-
and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient
hirsute fascial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of
frozen water.
Clinched
firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous
ellipse about his occiput, was suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of
holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful,
his corpulent abdominal region undated in a manner of impectinated fruit gelatin
in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more or less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me risible
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated
that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without
utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended
hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from
the aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion
of this task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a single manual digit in
the forward juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward
in a gesture of leave taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating
(in reverse) the smoke passage.
He
then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical
expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadapeds
of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hertherto observed chiefly
among the seed bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting
exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limit of
visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to all the selfsame
assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
period between sunset and dawn."
THAT
WAS FUNNY, BUT THIS IS NOY FUNNY
So,
would this lampoon have been possible if there was not a great confusion of fact
with fiction? Will YOU perpetuate the farce of Christmas?
